Paper Chase

After working as an independent contractor for a crisis intervention team for the past eight months, I decided to apply for a job with the State of Georgia on a whim. Now, I'm not sure if any of you have had the opportunity to work for a state agency, but I can honestly say--this has been an ordeal...

Today, I went to complete some "paperwork". I was told that it should take about 2 hours, but surely they didn't really mean hours...right?

Have you ever heard of that book "Everything I need to know I learned in Kindergarten" ?
... Well, I think I'm gonna make a killing with my new book entitled, "Everything I need to know I learned from the State of Georgia"...Let me share a few of my lessons:

LESSON#1: Ask now or find out later...

Parents and Grandparents say some of the dumbest things. You know, "a watched pot never boils", "God made dirt and dirt don't hurt", "if ________ jumped off a bridge would you too?",etc.
Like most children, I learned that each of those dumb sayings made sense--in some small way.

Today, I woke up at 8:30 am for a 10am appointment (yes, to fill-out paperwork). Because I only live 10 minutes from my destination, I figured if I left at 9:30 a.m. I would have plenty of time to arrive early. Being a professional road warrior, I used my god-given talents to navigate the mean streets of Georgia with ease and minutes to spare.

I asked to speak with my contact from the Human Resource Dept. only to learn she wasn't at that location....hmm...that's strange... No big deal. Right? Besides, when we scheduled our appointment, she didn't mention that I would have to meet her at an alternate location--so, of course...the meeting is here...this is where my application was sent, this is where I filled out my first stack of papers, this is where I interviewed--here. Right?

After waiting for ten minutes, the receptionist informed me that I would have to go to the personnel department to fill out the additional paperwork. She called my contact person and informed her that I was on my way. My contact person (Ms. X) sent her apologies for not telling me the location of the meeting. No big deal. Right? Before I left, I was given the location.
The address was across the street from my home.
What's that saying again?.... When you assume, you make an ASS out of U and ME.

Thanks Mom....



LESSON #2: People mean what they say...

As I reflect on the hours of torture I endured this morning, I realize that most of it was MY fault. The first mistake I made occurred before I got out of bed this morning. When Ms. X (confidentiality is key) offered me the position and we set-up a time to complete paperwork--I somehow downplayed what she meant by "2 hours".

You see, somehow I thought she really meant....make sure you clear your schedule for about two hours--you won't need that much time, but better safe than sorry. Then, I thought...the two hour time period was strategically added in dialogue to address "special " new-hires. (You know, the ones who like to schedule back to back appointments, don't have 20/20 vision, speak with a lysp, suffer from incontinence, etc.--to give them extra time to complete the task).
After giving my fingerprints, emergency contacts, completing my w-4, and 4pg medical history form, I was cleared to complete the "Are you a murderer", "Do you touch children", and "Are you a liar" forms. I was then given insurance info, 401-k Info, and paperwork for a drug test--that needed to be returned by the close of business today....

Question: Counselor, how long did it take you to complete the paperwork today? Answer: 2 hours.

LESSON #3: Good men are hard to find...

I know, you all are sick of me talking about my two hour experience. I just can't help myself. You wanna know why? Because it was really a THREE HOUR EXPERIENCE!!! Yep. You heard me. (Please refer to lesson number 2 and then Lesson 1)
The last piece of paper I was given requested a drug screening...which was at another secret location. After going there, taking the test, and returning the paperwork (which was due by the end of the business day)--total time served was one additional hour. As I reflect, Ms. X said it would take 2-hours to complete paperwork.

Anyway, on with this last point, once I arrived at the drug testing site, I was greeted by the nicest man. He was a little older than I prefer (approximately 65 years old). He had what appeared to be head of soft, thinning hair and a arthritic band around his knee. I assumed that he was athletic (Lesson 1 takes a lifetime to learn) by the way he wore his socks to his knee caps (soccer--maybe??). Anyway, we learned a lot about each other during this "pressured tee-tee break". I know what kind of car he drives, how many miles he gets in the city, I learned that he just lost his wife to cancer, etc. He learned quite a bit about me as well--my age, what kind of car I drive, where I'm from originally, why I moved to GA, how long I've been here, and that I may have drank too much Sprite today....

The point is....he was a really nice guy and I'm sure there's some older lady in Atlanta who doesn't know where to find him! He's surveying tee-tee non-stop...and has become hard to find. (I think he had the nerve to be flirting a bit too!) I'm in a relationship now, but if my guy slips up....I'm buying myself a liter of water and I'll be gone for about an hour--to meet an old flame.

Counselor tip of the day: Education is Forever

To Be Continued...