For those who know me well, it comes as no surprise that my mind has been on overload lately. With my recent living arrangement, reunion with my estranged brother and sister, and recent change in employment—it seems impossible to be in any other state of mind.
Having said all of that, today’s topic has to do with the subject of “forgiveness”. In my lifetime, I have heard countless people suggest that one should “forgive—but don’t forget”. Until recently, that sounded perfectly logical. But as I try to incorporate that philosophy in my lifestyle, I find that it’s nearly impossible to do.
So, as usual, when “stumped”…I look for answers. Today, I looked to the American Heritage Dictionary to clear things up for me. Guess what? It confused me more! I began my search by defining the concepts in question. Below is a snippet of what I learned:
To forgive means to stop feeling anger for or resentment against.
To forget is to be unable to remember or call to mind.
Now, it seems pretty clear cut—but is it? I can’t think of anything in this lifetime that has pissed me off enough that I was either angered by it or resentful due to it…that I’ve been able to forget. Feelings of anger and resentment are TOO STRONG…to be forgotten. And, if you can’t FORGET what happened…are you capable of truly forgiving?
I mean…for that ex-lover who truly hurt you…. do you ever REALLY forgive him for it? Or, do you remember that pain vividly when you speak of the incident? And, if you can remember the incident vividly…. will you ever be able to forgive what was done to hurt you in the first place?
I’m willing to listen to a variety of opinions, but I must admit…I’m starting think that’s it’s practically impossible to do. Knowing what we know about the human brain, memory, and classical conditioning…it seems to be hard to swallow…or is it…?
Counselor tip of the day: Anger and Resentment are stains on the fabric of life. Once spilled—they are very difficult to remove. And often times, they can ruin your outfit. So remember to always be careful when eating at the table—the stain remover may not work.
Sunday, October 29, 2006
forgiveness
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10 comments:
For me forgiveness is kinda easy. Forgetting is another story. But we all learn from our mistakes whether that's trusting the wrong people or making the wrong decisions, so in that context, forgetting isn't an option at all.
Right?
It's hard to sort things out when you have so much on your plate like you're had recently.
Without going into a pity party for myself, I can say there's a lot of people from my past that I've decided to forgive. No, I can't forget what happened. But I'm past the pain of it. It took a very, very long time, though.
Time may tell on this one. These "stains" are part of the fabric of life. I'm not an advice giver, just a learner here in the thing we call life. I've had lessons that I would rather forget also. But the whole makes up who we are. Someone once told me that "you can't have a rainbow without a little rain".
Forgive & Forget? Can you truly forgive without forgetting? I don't know. Seems to me, one is not mutually exclusive of the other. How can I forgive you without forgetting whatever transgression you performed against me? Life is too short to hold grudges, not to mention there is a very DARK place around the "AURA" of an unforgiving heart. I could be wrong, but I don't think so. Love you, micki
Ya know, I've never been one of the "forgive and forget" types (or even the "forgive, but don't forget" types). I tend to hang on to stuff for too long and I end up losing a friend or something over it. But, in my mind, were they really a friend if they angered or hurt me that much? I think not! :0) Yeah, I'm a big ole baby.
Micki...
I think you might be right. :)
To truly forgive someone--it seems like you'd have to forget the transgression.
So...this makes me wonder...how many people have I lied to over the years...telling them I've forgiven them--yet I remember every detail of everything...they'd ever done to hurt me?
I don't know about you all, but I have some serious work to do--and it begins with learning how to REALLY forgive people...
hmm,
Definitely a good question as I am struggling with this right now. I think that is it impossible to truly forgive if you can't forget and start new. As for conditioning, the behaviorists believe that behavior can always be changed with time and an assortment of methods, but the human brain is so complex that I don't that we really ever forget anything. I mean how do you explain hyposis used to jog memories? Or when you smell, see or do something that reminds of a person or incident. I think we have moments where we just don't reference that storage space and when we do as you said those feelings are raw and fresh. I think that we have to make a concious decision to not reference incidents, even though they are forever etched in our minds, and try to move on with a clean slate. It will take work, but I believe true forgiveness can be achieve through wiping the slate clean as in my opinion and study a person never forgets.
Ms. Denva
Hey.. I wonder if you could hop over to my blog and read my Taking a Risk Again post, then read the comments. I tried my best to explain why I posted it. I don't know. Should I take the post down?
You know, I've only held one grudge in my lifetime (though it may seem frivilous to the chitlin eaters) it was because someone purposefully gave me BBQ pork when they had known FOR YEARS that I didn't eat it. I have spoken to that person two or three times at the most since that incident (in 1994!!) but I can't get over that feeling. I'm usually easy to forgive and let bygones be bygones but not this time. I don't keep friends like that around. Although my brother Kiyotoe has tried numberous times to give me shrimp juice....and he's been forgiven each time, shady.....
nudge nudge.. time for a new post
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