the proof is in the pudding

Several years ago, in a sociology class, I was told that over 80% of African-American women would spend their lives single—with no prospects for marriage. According to our text (and professor), most eligible black males would be in prison, a victim of homicide, or in a meaningful relationship—with another male.

Although these are the most prominent explanations for the increase in single black women, some of my closest friends would offer other reasons for the phenomena. They, like most women of color, would argue that there is a shortage of “good” men rather than a shortage of “eligible” ones. They would say that men are dishonest, threatened by their independence, or incapable of handling a committed relationship.

Like many of my friends, I have had my share of “man problems”. Fortunately, as I’ve grown older, I see things with a little more clarity than before. Like some of my friends, I blamed men for most of the issues in my relationships—and ignored my part. Now, with very little reservation, I believe it’s time to share what I know to be true about being single and the mistakes we (women of color) make to keep us single.

In my opinion, there is only one rule to happiness: Be Honest. It sounds simple, but once you begin to practice it—you recognize that it can be very challenging. Years ago, I read a book that said that “we hate in others those things we don’t see in our selves”.

In the past year, I have listened to countless stories from some of my most cherished friends and family members. As with most friends, we share the “ups” and “downs” of our relationships. With each call, I have found myself getting more and more annoyed. Initially, I didn’t know why each one of my friends were able to make me RAVING MAD!
(things that make you go...hmmmm.....)

With each call, I found myself upset with all the “crap” they were taking—then I realized….it was me. Okay…maybe not the same stories…or the same extremes….but me nevertheless….

Here are some words of wisdom gathered from a road less traveled…

Don’t shape what you’re looking for around what you have found.

People show you who they really are in how they treat you—believe them the first time.

If it’s not working for you—don’t work so hard for it. It’s probably not worth it.

Love takes time—Fools rush in

Carry yourself with the respect you demand from others

Its okay to be single—cause you’re never really alone

Finding love is easier than maintaining it—don’t be too proud to humble yourself.

Be sure you’re able to give as much as you want in a relationship.

NEVER date someone who yells and/or curses at you—it will escalate

Don’t pretend to be happier than you are—you will NEVER fool those who truly know you.

The Counselor